


Angst Prompts

by connormurphy_fangirl (hamburr_fangirl), Evelyn_Harrison



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Drabble Collection, Grief/Mourning, Implied Bullying, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Break Up, Sad Ending, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-08-07 18:16:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16413428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburr_fangirl/pseuds/connormurphy_fangirl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evelyn_Harrison/pseuds/Evelyn_Harrison
Summary: A collection of very angsty oneshots. Fluff has no place here. :)(This book exists because Evelyn and I want to make each other miserable lol)





	1. I Will Never Not Love Him

“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” Zoe asked. “Loving him doesn’t help you. It only makes you miserable.”

She stroked her thumb across his bandaged wrist. “Why can’t you see that you’re only hurting yourself?”

Connor was silent for a moment. “Zoe… have you ever been in love?”

“What?”

“I’m not just talking crush. I mean full on in love. As in, you’d die for that person.”

“Connor-”

“I’m going to assume you haven’t.” He sighed and gently removed his wrist from her hold. “You can’t just… stop loving a person. It doesn’t work like that.” A dry and bitter laugh clawed its way through his throat. “It doesn’t mean shit how much you wish you could stop. Your heart will always be with that person. It will always belong to them.”

“But Connor, this isn’t healthy. It has to stop.”

“But it won’t.” He sighed. “Believe me, Zoe, I wish I didn’t love him. God, I wish I didn’t. But no matter how hard I try to stop myself from wanting him, I can’t. Every time I see him, I want to hold him, hug him. Kiss him. And, and it hurts. It hurts so much because I know that he’ll never want what I want. He will never want me.” He sniffed and wiped his eyes.

“Connor…”

“I can pretend all I want that I’m indifferent. That I don’t care about him. But it’s a lie, a mask. I care. Maybe a bit too much. And I don’t care if I end up destroying myself. I will always love him.”


	2. These Broken Parts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a little too late, and now he lost him.
> 
> All because their love was a lie, and that Evan wasn’t enough for Connor.
> 
> Connor’s sorry, but sorry isn’t enough.
> 
> Evan’s never going to love him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh hi
> 
> it’s me (Evelyn)
> 
> yeah
> 
> enjoy~~

“Hurts, doesn’t it?”

Connor stared at his ex-boyfriend, who stood around ten feet away from him. His throat was parched and he felt that he couldn’t breathe. He was frozen on the spot, blinking and trying to register what Evan meant.

Evan didn’t bother to look at Connor, eyes hard and he faced the ground. Days ago, his eyes were soft and full of life, full of happiness and pureness. His hands were curled into his blue striped polo shirt, his face twisted with a mix of betrayal and sadness.

“Hurts that you have to see me like this. All torn up and broken, a doll that can’t be mended.” Evan continues, chewing on the inside of his lip. “That’s what I was to you, right? A doll, a toy to you.”

What? No, Evan, it’s not like that. Is what Connor would have said, but instead, a heavy sense of guilt wrapped around his neck, his mouth clamped shut. All he could do was to stand there and listen to Evan helplessly.

“I knew that too, god, I knew that our love wasn’t anything, didn’t mean anything to you. I saw how you like looked at other boys, I saw that you were clearly not interested in me.” Evan pauses, the chill air crisp around them. Letting go of his shirt, he cups his cheek to wipe away tears that has a sprung from his eyes. “And yet I… I still hoped that you would one day see me. See that I loved you.”

Finally, Connor sucks in a sharp breath, realizing that Evan used the past tense of love. That means that—

“I don’t love you anymore.”

Evan relaxes his muscles, a few more droplets of tears falling before they stopped. His eyes turned dull, his weak smile from earlier turned into a simple line. “I don’t. Not anymore.”

Connor saw his arm extend, his legs moving one step after the other to try to reach out for Evan. “Evan—.”

Flinching back, Evan turns his body so that he isn’t facing the brunette anymore. He raises a hand push Connor’s arm away, and he whispers out in a quiet voice, “Don’t you dare touch me.”

“Evan, please, it doesn’t have to be like this!” Connor found himself pleading, wanting to hold his former boyfriend in his arms. Just like how they used to. When the nights were cool and they’d be wrapped in each other’s arms, giggling about the future and what it would be like with each other in it.

It was obvious that Evan didn’t want Connor in his future anymore.

“That’s what I said, Connor Murphy.” Connor feels chills down his spine, he’s been so used to Evan’s soft and light voice call him by his nickname. Not this harsh and cold tone, not this broken and desperate voice. “Remember? You were there too, I had reached out and held your hand.”

The memory was still fresh in his mind, Connor was thinking of it over and over again since they broke up. He could have taken everything back, he could have reached his hand back out to Evan and say that he was sorry, say that he’ll never do it again.

“Connor, it doesn’t have to be like this! We could work it out, we can start over!”

Now he was the one saying it. Now he’s the one trying to apologize and start over.

Start over what? A new relationship? A new friendship?

“No, Connor. It’s a little too late for that.” Evan shakes his head, his cerulean eyes lowering again. “You could have said something before, but today was the day that my feelings for you died. I had held on for you, I’ve chased after you for so long, so long, hoping that you would one day love me back. Hoping that you would feel the same.”

I did, I did feel the same. I love you for longer than you could possibly know, I love everything about you. Why can’t you see that?

“But it’s a joke, right? I’m the joke!” The blond furiously wiped away the tears that began to fall like the raindrops on a stormy day. “Who would love me, the screwed up me with these broken parts and the mess that I am! I don’t, I don’t even…”

Trailing off, Evan looks outside for a long moment, the leaves of the trees rustling outside and the sky darker than usual. His lip trembles, his back hunched and he seems just so small in such a big house. He looks like he’s ready to disappear at any moment, ready to blend into the walls and hide away.

“… I don’t even love myself.”

It was almost like a final blow, and Connor felt that Evan had punched him in the chest, blowing the air out of his lungs. I did this to him, I hurt him beyond repair, I broke him, I did this!! I hurt the only person I could possibly love, I hurt Evan so much that I hurt myself!

“And you also wanna know what, Connor? That day when I was at the orchard with you on our one year anniversary, you looked at the sunset and commented on how beautiful it was? Where we could be alright, for forever, this way…That was the day that I— that I—!” Curling inwards, Evan bends down and lets more tears fall and hit the ground, voice shaky and he was quivering in his spot. Sinking to the ground, Evan eventually looks into Connor’s eyes, desperation and melancholy evident in his tear-glistened eyes as he lets outs small sobs.

Connor’s heart pounds as he listens to Evan’s answer, already knowing what it is, and he hates that he knows. He finds himself crying too. Crying because he was responsible for all of this, and he was the one who could have prevented all of it if he didn’t cheat or if he was truly loyal and loving. “Evan…”

“I let go.”


	3. First Christmas

"Connor loved Christmas." Zoe whispered. "He loved it so much. E-every Christmas morning, he was up first. Without fail. And, and he would come wake me up, drag me downstairs with stars in his eyes, whispering to me that Santa had come."

Zoe couldn't stop her laugh. Her cheeks felt wet, her eyes blurry. "God, I don't know why I'm thinking of this now." She sniffed and wiped her eyes. "It was so many years ago."

"Grief brings out the best memories, Zoe." Alana said softly. "But moving on from those memories and cherishing them for what they are is sometimes the best thing we can do."

"I know grief, okay?" Zoe said. "And I, I tried to move on. But every time I think I finally have, I let it sink in that... I'm never going to see him again."


	4. Cloudless Skies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’re still lost, but one couldn’t of been found.
> 
> Not fast enough, anyways.

Today was cold, the air was chilled and Connor could see clouds of his hot breath in the air as he walked down the dirt pathway. Hands shoved in his pockets, he stared at the ground as he passed the apple orchard, heart twisting and he felt that same amount of guilt and regret in his stomach.

He arrived at a small grey stone, the grass beside it growing again. Taking a deep breath, Connor spoke aloud. “Hey Ev, it’s been a few months since I’ve last seen you. My life flipped in those few months, and a lot of shit has happened since then.”

Connor paused, feeling stupid that he was speaking to no one. Nevertheless, he continued. “How have you been? Hopefully good, better than I have. I’ve been a mess, and Zoe, Alana and Jared have been too.”

Kicking his boots out a bit, he tapped the ground infront of him for a second. “But they’ve been handling everything much better than I have. I mean, they’ve at least got their shit together, but I can still see that they’re struggling.” Connor pursed his lip a bit, biting his tongue.

“We’re all struggling, I’m not going to lie about that.”

Another cold breeze blew past Connor and he could almost feel that someone else was there with him. Glancing up, he saw the cloudless sky above him. It reminded him of before, when everything was still okay. When they still were alright, for forever, this way...

“Remember the orchard? I passed it earlier to visit you. We had a lot of good memories there, right? The most recent one that was around the end of early May or June... wasn’t that fun? We had grabbed a scoop at A La Mode and drived the windy country road... and then we were there.

“We ran though the yellow field, with some freshly picked apples in our hands. I remember climbing up your favourite tree, and you followed. Watching the sunset as we sat beside each other on the thick branch, we were sure that everything would be alright...”

He felt the dreaded tears fall, dripping down his red cheeks and to the ground. Connor stares at the words embedded on the stone infront of him, his voice dropping down to a whisper. “Who would of thought that it would be our last moment together, huh?”

The same breeze of cold air hit Connor’s face, and to his surprise, he felt warm. Like someone was hugging him. Letting out a weak smile, he buried his face into his blue scarf. Evan’s scarf.

“I love you Evan. I don’t think I got to tell you that before you fell.” Connor said, the final tears drying up. “God, I miss you.”

Connor waited for a few more moments, before speaking for the last time.

“I’ll see you soon, Ev.”


	5. The Silence of the Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hnnn, this isn't great and doesn't make a ton of sense but here.

Connor came home with his heart in his throat. His bag was pulled tightly to his body, his knuckles white. He was soaking wet. He had not bothered to pull his hood up to protect himself. His mother gave him a look of concerned. Questions spilled from her mouth, full of worry and fear for him. He considered telling her for a moment. He thought about laying everything on the floor. The harassment, the stares, the pain. But it was just for a moment. Instead, lies flowed from his mouth, dripping sweet poison.

 _I'm fine._  He murmured

I'm not fine, please see that.

 _I'm just tired._  His smile was tight.

I can't take this, I'm tired of the pain.

 _I'm okay, nothing's wrong._ Everything was wrong. Nothing was ever going to be right again.

I want to die.

But his silent pleas weren't heard. A smile and a hug later, she was walking away, back to the kitchen. He watched her go for a moment before continuing on to his room. Each step felt like climbing a mountain.

He lay in his bed, unmoving. He could hear his parents yelling downstairs. His chest shook with every breath and he curled tighter and tighter. His parents' voices pounded in his ears. No matter how loud his music was, he couldn't drown out the heartbroken cries of his mother and the frustrated growls of his father. He yanked his headphones off and threw them away. His hands rushed to his ears, pressing down to the point of pain. The yelling downstairs abruptly stopped and a door was slammed, but the screaming in his head drowned everything else out. He just wanted it to be quiet, he wanted everything to  _stop_.

The blade in his drawer was a deadly temptation. One he struggled to resist. The drawer flew open, a pale hand stretched out. A blade picked up. 

In the dead silence of the night, old scars became new.


	6. Our Cut Red Threads

“I always thought that our strings would be connected for forever.” Evan whispers, eyes staring at the limp red thread that hanged from his pinkie finger. His eyes slowly looked up to Connor, who held a pair of scissors in one hand and their broken string in the other.

“You’d be happier with someone else.” Connor replies, and he puts down the scissors and lets his thread fall to the ground. “We weren’t meant to be.”

“What do you mean, ‘we weren’t meant to be?’ Did our love not mean anything to you? The string brought us together, we’re soulmates! Connor, why did you do this to me, to us?” Evan finds himself speaking louder, taking a step forward to Connor.

Connor lets out a small growl, hunching and he curls into himself. “We weren’t meant to be.” He says again, voice as small as he could ever be.

Tears in his eyes, Evan reached his hand out to Connor’s string, but the other boy pulled back and nearly yanked the string out of Evan’s hands. “I took them away from you! I cut your string off before so you could be with me! Not Jared, or Zoe, or even Alana! I wanted to be with you, from the moment we meet!”

This time Evan blinks in confusion, Connor’s raised voice making him wobble in his spot. “W-what?”

“I took someone away from you and attached our threads together, hoping that we could work out! That you’d see me!” Connor points at Evan’s string, showing the rough marks and cuts in it. “You were never supposed to be with me! I took your happiness away!”

 _Is this a dream? It can’t be. I was sure that we were soulmates._ “It - it can’t be! Our strings were always tied together, they were always one!”

Connor’s shouting now, hands clutching his hair and tears fall from his eyes. “I mended out threads together! I lied to you from the very start! You were never supposed to fall in love with me, you were never supposed to even _know_ me!”

“Then why is it that I love you now? Even with our strings cut, I still love you.” Evan says, barely above a whisper. His chest feels tight, and his clammy hands grip his shirt.

“Stop lying, Evan! You don’t love me, you can _never_ love me! Not after what I’ve done, not after this! I was selfish and I knew that you’d eventually see the _real_ me, the broken and fucked up me!” Connor shuts his eyes tight, wishing that it wouldn’t have to end like this.

Evan’s eyes water, and he lets out a strangled sob. “I do love you, Connor. I love you so much and I could never love someone else.” _Is it really me talking, or is it the string’s magic?_

Connor shakes his head, gripping his string. “You don’t. You don’t love me.” He pauses, the air intense and heavy around them. His now dried up tears leave a trail down his cheeks, and Connor finally looks at Evan.

“Maybe, in another life, you might. But not in this one.”


	7. Late Night High

He fiddled with the bottle, the rattling of the pills nearly drowning out the screaming in his head. He twisted the top a few times, though he never took it off. He wasn't ready for that. He gnawed at his lip before placing the bottle back on the shelf.

He would be back another day.

A door was violently slammed shut and he sank against it. He rammed his fingers in his long hair, tugging, pulling. The taunts of his peers circled through his mind, pressing and screaming, never giving him a moment of peace.

His throat ached with the urge to cry out, to scream, to yell, but all that came was a silent sob. His eyes burned and his hands flee to them. Palms pressed into sensitive flesh, his nose cried out with pain. White spots danced across a black screen and he sobbed.

Tears streamed out of tired eyes and down pale cheeks. His hands fell away and he looked out at the sky. The sun was setting, a pink glow casting out. He licked his lips and traced his wrist.

The bottle on the shelf glowed. The little white pills inside called to him, pulling him close with their tempting promises. Before he knew it, that bottle was back in his hand. Around it spun, turning and turning. He stared at those little pills, his throat suddenly dry.

The lid came off with a pop. His hands trembled and the pills danced before his eyes. Blinking away the tears, he reached for the water he kept at his bedside table. Nightmares sometimes lurched him awake, leaving behind an aching throat. Now, the water would have another use.

Pills in one hand, water in the other, he swallowed them both and waited for the night to take him away.


	8. The Sun Sets For Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cough* kimi no na wa / your name AU *cough*

“I-It’s you. It’s really you.” Evan whispered, staring at the brown haired boy that stood in front of him. He looked even more handsome in real life, rather than just body-swapping ever few days for no particular reason.

Connor smiles, that sort of subtle and perfect and real smile. He nods his head, letting out a breathy chuckle. “It’s me, really.”

Evan feels those familiar hot tears trickle slowly down his cheeks and drip off of his chin, and he smiles back. He finds himself take a few steps forward, meeting Connor in the middle of the open yellow field, and feels a large warm pair of arms wrap about his small frame. Evan hugs back, burying his face into Connor’s soft hoodie.

“I never thought I’d see you again.” Evan says quietly, gripping Connor’s hoodie to make sure that the boy that was hugging him back was real. That all of those months of body-swapping and small miscommunication was real.

That he really did fall in love with someone who was real.

Evan feels Connor look over to his left, and Evan peers up. “The sun is setting.” Connor comments, and Evan looks to his right to see the sun slowly past the mountains and trees in the back ground.

The blond nods his head, and he pulls back and wipes away the rest of the tears. “Y-yeah.” Is all he could say.

They both stand for a few moments, before Connor clears his throat and asks, “Do you have a Sharpie? We could write each other’s names so we don’t forget.”

Blinking, Evan scrambles to pull out a black Sharpie from his khaki pocket, and hands it over to Connor. “You write first.”

He watches as Connor takes the Sharpie out of his hand and uncaps the pen. They don’t say anything, and Evan turns his head again to watch the sun fall. “I’m glad that we don’t have to pretend to be friends anymore.” Connor comments as he finishes up writing his name.

The sun has almost set, and Connor finally gives back the pen so Evan can write his name. “Me too.” Evan says, and he gently holds Connor’s larger hand in his. He presses the tip of the pen against Connor’s hand and before he knows it, everything turns black.

———

Connor stares at the empty spot before him, the echoing of the fallen pen ringing in his ears. He blinks, opening his palm to see just one faint line of the Sharpie. Evan didn’t even get to finish writing his name.

He was so sure that Evan was right there. Right there, _right there_ , in front of him. Breathing and smiling and so alive. Where did he go? What happened? Why was he now all alone at the apple orchard?

Squinting, he notices that the sun has finally set, and he could see the dark blanket of stars from the opposite of the sky.

“E-Evan?” He calls out, leaning down to pick up Evan’s Sharpie. “Evan?!” He says more frantically, turning and looking for the boy he’s fallen in love with. The one that disappeared.

 _Breathe, don’t forget his name. Don’t forget Evan. You can’t lose him again. You’ve come all the way here to find him, and you can’t, you can’t lose him._ Connor tells himself, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to recite Evan’s name over and over and over again.

_Evan Hansen, that’s his name. Evan Hansen, 17, from a small town nearby Boston. He lived 3 hours away from me. Evan Hansen, Evan Hansen, Evan—_

Connor blinks, and the name he just said was forgotten. _Fuck, what was his name? What’s his name?_ He feels a wave of desperation wash over him. Turning to the empty sky, he shouts, voice cracking and he wants to remember but he _can’t_.

“What was your name?!”

———

Evan stared at the words on his palm, feeling his breath being taken away. It was only supposed to have Connor’s name. Not, _not—_

_“I love you.”_

Curling his hand into a fist, he feels more tears drip. “I didn’t even get to say ‘I love you too.’” He whispers, and he wishes that they had a bit more time left. He wishes that they could of said something else, or at least share something so they don’t forget each other.

 _I can’t forget his name. I can’t forget him._ Evan feels his heart pound against his chest, and he bites his lip. _Connor Murphy, he’s the one I love. Connor Murphy, 17, from New York, I went to visit him but he didn’t recognize me. Connor Murphy, Connor Murphy, Connor—_

The name that was repeated like a chant in his head disappeared, and Evan’s eyes widen when he realized that he forgot what the name of the brown haired boy was.

 _His name, what was his name?_ Evan wants to cry out in pain, his heart aching and he wishes it didn’t have to be like this. Peering at the trees in the background, the yellow field around him was almost mocking him for forgetting. If only the sun set later, if only they still could see the bright sky for forever.

Tears spilled and heavy droplets fell to the ground. His legs give out from under him and Evan slumps to the ground, cradling his hand with the words that boy left for him.

“Wh-what was your name?”


	9. Broken

“Do you ever just feel... so exhausted that you can’t even smile?”

Evan looked up. "Yeah." He said softly.

Connor started to twist his rings. They turned, over and over. "I'm so tired Ev." He whispered. "I'm just so tired of the anger and the emptiness. I want it to stop. I want to stop feeling."

"Connor..."

"Why can't I feel happy? Why am I so broken?"

"We're all a little broken Connor." Evan said. "Some more than others."

"I just want to be fixed." He said, hopelessness in his eyes, tears of pain on his cheeks. Evan reached out to him and pulled him close. A shudder traveled through him and the tightness of his arms broke him. Silent tears ran down Evan's face as he held his sobbing boyfriend. How he wished he could tell him how beautiful he was and make him believe it. How he wished he could tell himself the same thing and believe it.


	10. 木漏れ日

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Komorebi - Sun filtering through trees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this while I was at my aunt’s house, eating pistachios. :’’)

He’s done this before, he can do it again. It would be easy, it should be easy. All he has to do is close his eyes and let go of the tree branch. Let the rough bark of the oak tree go, feel the wind breeze through his hair as he sings his final song, and let gravity pull him down to his end. 

It should be easy, he did this a year ago. Why was he waiting and hesitating now? There was nothing, nothing, holding him back. Alana, Jared, Zoe and his mom hated him, they wanted him gone. 

He wanted to be gone. 

Evan takes a breath, before slowly exhaling. Closing his eyes, he imagines himself a year ago, the sun filtering through the trees and the sky a brilliant blue, like his dead boyfriends eyes. He remembered the way his boyfriend, his Connor, called after him, holding his hands out to catch Evan.

_“I’m here, Ev. I’ll catch you when you fall.”_

He did end up catching Evan, but Evan never got to tell the truth about what he was going to do. _I didn’t fall, Connor. I let go._

Evan thinks about Connor’s warm smile, it was sort of subtle and perfect and real. He thinks of the times that they went to A La Mode and bought insane ice cream combinations. He thinks of about Connor’s laugh, how genuine it sounded. He thinks of how he misses hold hands with him and reaching up, on his tip-toes, to kiss Connor. He thinks about how loved he had felt, how much he has grown and healed since he met Connor.

Slowly, Evan opens his eyes. He sees Connor stand at the base of the tree, arms out and that perfect smile on his face. _“I’ll catch you, Ev. Promise.”_

His fingers slip away from the tree branch, and he closes his eyes again, feeling the sky collapse and the world sinks with him. 

No one caught Evan this time.


	11. Sorry

_I’m sorry._  That was all he could think as he stared at the bottle. His mind raged at him, screaming to open the bottle. Allow the tiny pills to float down his throat in a stream of water.

 _I’m sorry._ He whispered as trembling hands fumbled with the lid. His vision blurred and he could feel himself ripping apart. His mind yelled at him to just do it already. Swallow the pills, get rid of all the fucking pain. No cared about him, so why bother staying alive? But his heart screamed no. His heart cried out to him, begged him to see reason. Begged him to realize that his mind was playing tricks. That it was the real enemy, not his loved ones. His heart pleaded with him to just call out. To seek the help he so desperately needed.

The lid popped off.

He was shaking so violently the bottle nearly fell to the floor. Pills spilled out, escaping from desperate hands. They clattered to the ground but he barely noticed.

 _I’m sorry._ He repeated, tears steadily falling down his cheeks. His chest heaved with his muffled cries and he bit down on his lip to keep them hidden. Choked gasps still managed to rip their way through and he could barely see. He was falling apart, tearing at the seams.

He managed to put a small mouthful of pills in his mouth. He tried to swallow, but his throat worked against him, refusing the offered ambrosia. His hand scrambled for his water and he gulped it down. The pills were washed away, down his throat they went.

When he didn’t feel an immediate effect, he poured the remaining pills into his palm. He cradled them for a moment, before swallowing them as well.

He sat there for a long moment, anxiety of what he’d just done creeping up on him. His stomach lurched and he gagged. His hand flew to his mouth and he curled up. Bile rose and he clamped his mouth shut. His stomach howled with pain.

A cry punched through him and he heaved. The pain was overwhelming. Bile fell from his lips and he collapsed to the ground.

“Connor?”

 _I’m sorry._ He thought before allowing the pain to sweep him away.


	12. Useless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this two weeks ago, wasn’t in a good place at that time. What happened to Evan in this oneshot was basically 90% what happened to me on that day. 
> 
> I did feel better venting out my emotions, so that sure is fun. Jen also helped me out too, so at least I have her to virtually hug.
> 
> Anyways, please enjoy and comment/leave a kudo if you liked it!! They’re all appreciated and we love getting comments!!!!

Evan knew that today wouldn’t be a good day. He knew that since the moment he woke up, that gut feeling inside him made him worry.

Worry about what, he thought. About school, about his mom, about everything that could possibly crash down right after him?  
His alarmed was set for 4:00 a.m. today, but he ended up waking up two hours later. Great, two hours of his time where he could of been catching up for his homework was wasted on his sleep. 

Deciding to skip breakfast, Evan made his way to the living room, where he frantically worked on his AP Psych homework that was due today. His fingers quickly flew across the keyboard, words that had no meaning to him where put into a Google Doc that he would delete later on.

Around 7, he takes a scalding hot shower, the water burning into his skin and he wants to change the temperature. _No, you weakling, you deserved this. Burn and rot away. This shouldn’t hurt at all. Nothing can compare to what you’re going through right now._

He listens to that voice, and endures the heat for a few more minutes. Evan was greeted with his mom filling up a cup of milk and smiling at him.

“Did you eat breakfast today?” She asks, sliding the cup of milk over to him. He eyes the cup, but pushes it away. He rather starve than intake any more food.

“No, I was doing homework.” Evan says, drying his light blond hair and combing it slightly. He watches as his mom frowns, and points at the milk cup. 

“At least drink some milk?”

He shakes his head, making a noise that should be interpreted as ‘No thanks.’ 

Evan wonders if his mom heard something else, and he sees her happy expression vanish as she takes back the cup of milk.

“Yeah, okay. I don’t care anyways. You shouldn’t care either.”

It hits Evan like a truck, those harsh words. He doesn’t reply or say anything else, and instead turns away and twists the hem of his blue polo shirt. _Yeah, I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about my life, I don’t care if I were to die today or tomorrow. You probably won’t care if I were to vanish either.  
_

He packs his bag for school, and lets his mom drive him. There was no point in making any sort of conversation, it wasn’t necessary. What else could he say? All he ever would say would end up to be useless. Pointless, bothersome, boring. What’s the point in saying something if no one would hear you?

Keeping his head down, he exits the car and murmurs a ‘thanks’ before speeding inside the building. It takes a few minutes for him to open his damn locker, and finally Evan tosses everything in, only keeping his binder and pencil case with him.

Making his way up to the library, he sees Jared and Alana sit at the hexagon tables. Evan places his stuff onto the tables, sighing heavily and resting his head against his arms. Jared makes a face at him, looking either confused or concerned. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Life. Everything. School. Stress.” Evan can’t even form simple sentences to explain what is spirialing in his head. He notices that Jared was waiting for a better explanation, and so Evan forces out, “Life sucks, there’s to much homework, I don’t want to be here.”

Alana gives Evan a sympathetic look, but doesn’t say anything. He then feels a wave of guilt and frustration, quickly changing the subject. He was in the focus of the conversation again, dammit. He’s being way to selfish again. “How are you two?”

Everything is buzzing in his ears, and he doesn’t pay much attention to what either Alana or Jared is saying. He does hear the warning bell ring, and stands up and haul his heavy and dreaded, ugly body to his first class.

If the day couldn’t be any worse, lunch rolls around and he sits back in the library again. At least he’s found a better table, and at least no one is here to talk to him.

Soon enough, Alana and Jared walk back in and sit beside him, and there’s silent chatter that Evan tries to ignore. His day could only get better — or worse — when Connor Murphy, his crush since last year, walks in with Zoe, his younger sister.

Connor takes a seat near Alana, and he gives everyone a sort of grin Evan wishes he could reciprocate. Evan only happens to pay attention to half of the conversation, with Alana babbling on the movie _Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald_ and then about her mom not letting her drive until their car reaches 40,000 km.

He doesn’t notice anything wrong with the conversation until he looks up, and sees Connor looking at Alana in such a way that it makes Evan’s heart drop. He remembered that look, he remembered that same look his previous crush gave to Alana. He remembered and knew that his previous crush would never like him back, and that he had given up.

He remembers that Alana was always the one who knew about Evan’s crushes, and that people would obviously like her more, would obviously be interested in her than Evan.

It’s another punch in the stomach, and Evan’s lucky that the bell rings a few minutes later. He doesn’t say ‘goodbye’ to anyone, and instead rushes out of the library to his 3rd period. He sends a quick, ‘can I vent?’ to his online Tumblr friend, Jeremy, and turns off his phone as the lesson begins.

It goes slowly, and Evan pretends that the Library Scene didn’t happen, that he didn’t see what he just saw. Checking his phone again, he sees that Jeremy replied back with, ‘of course!!’ Before he knows it, Evan pushes away his laptop and venting, texting away as he pushes all of his feelings onto someone who shouldn’t be recieveing them and dealing with him. 

‘She’s just way better at everything than I am! She has better grades than I do, she can easily talk to people, I’m just so… envious of her.’ Is a small part of what Evan said, but he doesn’t add the, ‘I wish I was her. I don’t wanna be me anymore,’ part.

‘It doesn’t matter what grades she has. What about in the future, five years from now? Both of your grades wouldn't matter.’ Jeremy replies back, and Evan wants to believe him. 

_Not good enough, not good enough. I won’t ever be good enough._ ‘Okay. I think I’ll just tell my teacher that I’m going to cry in the bathroom now. Talk to you later.’ Evan turns off his phone, and asks his teacher if he could go.

She doesn’t even question the small tears in his eyes, she doesn’t notice that he’s shaking. 

Evan runs down the hallway, barreling into the empty bathroom and shutting himself in the farthest stall. He hears people come and go, and waits until no one else is in before the tears fall. He doesn’t let a sound peep out, he just shakes uncontrollably in the bathroom stall and makes an ocean of tears below him.

Once they’re done falling, Evan wipes away the tears and rinses his face off. His eyes are red, but hopefully he can lie and say that he’s allergic to something.

‘I’m okay now, thanks.’ He texts back Jeremy, before turning off his phone for good. 

It would of been just an okay day, if he weren’t to get such shitty marks on his Physics quizzes, that bold red 4/8 sinking in. He pretends not to feel bad about his marks when he looks over to Zoe’s 8/8 for the stupid projectiles quiz.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid. I bet Alana got 110% on this quiz._ He hisses at himself, but shoves the paper away. He blocks out Zoe’s talking with the other kids, he pushes away those intrusive thoughts that pester him. He tries not to think of the Library Scene and how much Alana is making him in pain without her knowing.

At least school will be over. At least in a few minutes he can go home and let fate decide whether he was ready to go or not.  
The bell rings, and at last he can be free from this hell hole. Finally, he can hide away and let the tears fall again. Now he can let everything out, everything that is hurting him, making him suffer.

He tells his mom that he’s not hungry, and that, ‘yes, I did eat breakfast at school.’ Another lie that he has to deal with later on. His stomach growls for food, for something, but he just compresses his hunger by drinking water.

Day turns to night, and Evan stands in the middle of the bathroom, the cold white tiles beneath him as he stares at his figure in the mirror. _Ugly, fat, stupid, not good enough, dumb, a waste of space.  
_

_Useless._

He could at least say goodbye to Jeremy and his other tumblr friends. At least Jeremy, Michael, and Christine cared enough. He’s sure that Alana, Jared, Zoe, and Connor doesn’t give a shit about Evan. He’s sure that his mom won’t miss him. He’s sure that no one would even remember him, anyways. 

Logging onto Tumblr, he writes his final post.

_Sorry Jeremy, Michael, and Christine. I wasn’t as strong enough as I thought I would, could be. It turns out that I’m just useless._

Evan closes his eyes, and lets the world do the rest of the job.


	13. Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is absolute garbage, but hope y'all enjoy it anyways oof

Three words. That’s all it took. Three words, blinking on a little screen. Connor knew he was unstable, but he hadn’t realized how badly three measly words would effect him.

_Ur always complaining. :)_

He stared at those words. His stomach was rolling, his throat was tight. His eyes watered but he held the tears down. He slowly typed out a reply. He hadn’t meant anything by his comment. He hadn’t thought he’d been complaining.

Fear and anxiety engulfed him. If one person thought this of him, how many others thought the same? He sent his reply and then closed the app.

That night, he lay in bed wide awake. Those three little words consumed him. Was he always complaining?

He thought back to his previous conversations that day and tried to figure out if he complained. His stomach sank when he recalled a time he complained about his French teacher to Miguel.

His throat was tight, his mouth dry. Had he annoyed Miguel with his complaining? How many other people had he annoyed? And why was there a smiley face?

His wrist started to ache. His head filled with thoughts of razors and blades. He pursed his lips and made a decision. He would ever complain again. And if he did, he would punish himself for it.

Tears welled up and this time he didn’t hold them back.


	14. You Were Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor was Evan’s, or so he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :’)
> 
> (Inspired by the Hamilton Song, Burn. But you guys already knew that :””D)

Evan stared dully at the letters that was infront of him. His heart drops every time he sees them. The woven lies and red cut strings of their love was scribbled everywhere on that page, black ink staining the pages upon pages of love letters.

_My dearest Evan,_ it would always say, followed by countless proclamations of love and beauty. How Evan wasn’t able to see through that lie, he doesn’t know.

_Utterly pathetic, you deserved this,_ a lingering voice at the back of his mind said to him, whispering these deprecating words on repeat like a broken record.

As Evan takes a hold of the papers and letters, he slowly and carefully reads them. “I’ve saved every letter you wrote to me; from the moment I met you I knew you were mine, you said you were mine, I thought you were mine…”

He remembers the roughness of the Kleinman’s Pamphlet that laid in his hands as he stared at the bold black words imprinted on the top of the page. “Do you know what Alana said, when we saw your first letter arrive? She said, _be careful with that one, love, he will do what it takes to survive._ ” Their wedding day was perfect, Evan thought he was perfect. He should of known that his past love would never actually love him, not with what have happened.

“You and your words flooded my senses, your sentences left me defenseless. You built me palaces out of paragraphs, you built cathedrals.” Evan whispers, fingers touching the edges of the crinkled papers, the messy hand writing on it was like metal burning into his skin. The pain of false love hurts so much, what did Evan do to deserve this?

“I’m re-reading the letters you wrote me, I’m searching and scanning for answers, in every line, for some kind of sign, and when you were mine…” His voice was raised a bit higher, eyes darting back and forth as he continues to look at the countless letters that he has received ever since he’s met Connor.

That cursed name. It belongs to the person that hurt Evan the most. Connor. He wants to hate it, he wants to get rid of that name that is imbedded in his memory. He wants to erase what Connor looks like, he wants to forget everything about that Murphy. 

“The world seemed to burn, burn…” Looking up at the light that’s coming from the fireplace. His hands shake, and he takes a few steps closer to it. The heat from the fire place holds him close and warms him, something that Connor, and only Connor, would do.

His heart is pierced with a invisible knife, cutting away and leaving open scars. “You published the letters he wrote you, you told the whole world how you brought this boy into our bed. In clearing your name, you have ruined our lives.” Scars that could heal, only with time. But Evan’s scars couldn’t heal, they have gotten to deep into his skin.

“Do you know what Alana said, when I told here what you’ve done? She said, _you’ve married an Icarus, he has flown to close to the sun._ ” Alana had immediately traveled back to New York once she found out what had happened, telling Evan that he didn’t deserve him, and that he was a fool to do that to Evan.

The fire has gotten warmer, and with each step, Evan gets closer to it. The letters in his hands singe ever so slightly, and he knows exactly what he is going to do. “You and your words, obsessed with your legacy… Your sentences border on senseless, and you are paranoid in every paragraph; how they perceive you…”

Before it’s to late, Evan holds the papers close to him, hoping that everything that has happened is just a dream, and that Connor truly loves him, that Connor would never do that to him, never hurt him so badly. “You, you, you…”

Only a few tears spill, the rest of them were long gone. He’s cried enough over Connor, he’s not going to cry anymore. Taking each and every letter, he crumples them up and throws it into the cackling fire. “I’m erasing myself from the narrative. Let future historians wonder, How Evan reacted when you broke his heart. You have torn it all apart! I’m watching it burn, watching it burn!” 

The suddenness to discard and burn the rest of the papers hit him, how much pain it has caused him, how he knows that whatever love that he had for Connor has disappeared. _I don’t love you, not after what you’ve done. Not after what you’ve done to our children._

“The world has no right to my heart! The world has no place in our bed, they don’t get to know what I said!” Evan starts to rip the letters apart, tearing at the delicate yellow papers and tossing it into the fire. “I’m burning the memories, burning the letters that might have redeemed you!”

There’s no going back now. He’ll burn them all, he’ll get rid of these fake letters. Fake and full of lies. Love doesn’t exist, everything that he has done and worked for was buried six feet under. His feelings are buried there too.

“You forfeit all rights to my heart, you forfeit the place in our bed! You sleep in your office instead! With only the memories, of when you were mine—!” Evan nearly screams, the finally letter crumpled in his hands as he lets go to it, the fire quickly eating away at the paper. 

Around him are bits of paper that missed the fire. The largest one reads, _Sincerely, yours. Connor._ Evan lets out a sharp sob, bending down to pick it up. If only that was real. That, with the other bits of paper ends up turning to ash as well. Just like Evan’s love.

_He was never mine in the first place._

“I hope that you… burn…”


	15. Grief

When Evan’s mom sat him down and softly explained to him what had happened that night, he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

_I’m so sorry Evan._

No. No this couldn’t be happening.

_I know you two were close._

Why…? Why hadn’t Connor told him? He’d thought they were friends. He always shared what he felt so why…

_Connor is dead._

That night, Evan slept with his mother. He trembled while she held him, tears pouring down his face in a relentless stream of emotions. Connor couldn’t be dead, he couldn’t! He was going to be at school tomorrow. He had to be. Evan still needed his science notes, still needed him to edit his English assignment. He just needed Connor.

A choked sob escaped him and his mother squeezed him. He buried his face in her neck. He had been crying for two hours but he couldn’t stop. He still needed Connor. He wasn’t sure he could live without his friend’s laughter, dry and slightly morbid sense of humor, his rare, but brilliant smile. Over and over, Evan searched through his memories, trying to figure out what went wrong.

His grief quickly turned into self-loathing.

How had he never noticed Connor’s suffering? Why hadn’t he done more the few times Connor actually mentioned being hurt? Why hadn’t he helped Connor more?

Why hadn’t he been enough?


	16. Blown Out Candles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time repeats itself, and Alana says goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoe and Connor are the best at fucking up relationships in my fanfic world.

“Would they like what they saw… or would they hate it, too?”

Her voice was quiet, and every second that ticked by felt like she was spiraling more or more. How much longer would she able to handle this, how much more would she be able to feel okay; to feel normal and sane?

“Alana. I’m so sorry, I didnt know…” Zoe whispered, and this whole scene reminder her of Evan and Connor; this has happened before, time is repeating itself. 

“…Would I have to keep running away from what’s true? Zoe, is this what you wanted?” Alana’s voice turned bitter, her pained smile turning to a eerie and dark frown, the shimmering lights in her eyes becoming dull. A candle that was blown out. 

“Of course not! Alana, it’s not what you think. This shouldn’t of happened, all of this shouldn’t of happened!” Zoe saw Alana fall further and further, slipping out of her grasp and she can’t hold on to her. Alana isn’t even trying to hold onto their love anymore. 

What love, what even is love?

“Alana… you know I love you, right?” 

The dark skinned girl nodded, but still didn’t face her yet.

There was a long silence, and when she spoke again, her voice was like glass and Zoe’s heart shattered.

“I loved you too, Zoe Murphy.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to us on our Tumblrs [connormurphyfangirl](https://connormurphyfangirl.tumblr.com) and [trees-and-sky](https://trees-and-sky.tumblr.com)!


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